Do what's calling you...or else.

Hey. So lately I've been contemplating what my time's worth since a lot of it goes towards work (it's January, and everything seems to be due in January...). So work, yes, a lot of it blahhh. Work's always been high on my priority list in the sense that I want to make it count, and want it to stimulate me enough to stick at it. BUT, of the 5 years I've been in brand world (and several more being an adult), I've seen that when my energy is spent in one area, I find I have less of it to spend in others. My hobby time is getting cut because I don't have the mental capacity (or a substantial enough amount of time), to really immerse myself in other stuff I adore doing. This is raising problems, as I don't like it when I'm not in control of my time, and I'm not able to express the other parts of myself (if this isn't screaming Millennial at you, I don't know what will).

So in aid of me working through this conundrum, here's to exploring; what's calling you, and why not living, doing and choosing it, can reap all sorts of havoc.

Firstly, I'd like to apologize for such inaccessible vocabulary. 'Calling' sounds privileged and crappy but I don't have an alternative at this point.. Let's say 'the activity or thing that generates an amazing, lifting feeling which flares up when you're dedicating your time to it.' This thing comes easy—it's light, it's totally engaging, and you seem to want more of that feeling in your life. 'Calling' can be something you LOVE or something you want to keep going through (something you want to cultivate and build). It's usually rooted in a personal driver that's embedded deep down inside (news flash—this is also hard to identify, ha!). An example would be "I have this urge to cure something," another is,"I seek to represent what a certain group of people need in this day and age." How this surfaces in a vocation/lifestyle can be in any form that suits your personality.

Nailing down what you love, and how to know when you've found it
Doing what you love is a blissful state we'd all like to be in, but actually identifying 'it' is tricky. It's not just a 'like', it's a passion, and finding it isn't as easy as it's made out to be (based on my observations and experiences anyway).

You might not ever know what it is, and it's okay if you never find it. The author of Eat, Prey, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert said (roughly):
"People that have a passion will likely already know it, because it's like a flaming beacon of fire you're incessantly drawn to, so powerful you won't be able to think of anything else. However, trying to seek out your passion can be such a hard and intimidating bar to reach. It can feel like a failure if we never get there. However, a solution is to follow your curiosities instead. This isn't a bad thing—it means you've spent your life following what interests you." (source: TED Radio Hour, The Source of Creativity, 2014)
That's a pretty fulfilling life I'd say.

Here's another solution...
When you follow these curiosities, and find things that give you a good feeling for a sustained period of time, you'll likely be experiencing 'flow.' It's pretty dope. You should read here to know when you're in flow state.' You can experience this in multiple spaces doing multiple things in life—like being a mother, cooking or braiding hair.

How not doing what you love will hurt you
To end this sh*t storm of blog post, and somewhat of a Debbie Downer read, I'm going to share how I've been affected by not finding my lane and operating in it. I've tried 29323 things in the creative world from my teens through my twenties trying to find it, and the closest I've come is being a writer in brand world. This means being an ideas person whilst solving problems. It ticks my boxes, and I get to work with a bunch of talented, different people who help me learn things everyday (another box ticked). However, when I wasn't here...

• I was anxious underneath the surface/had a low-humming sense of unease
• I operated in denial thinking it was 'great on paper,' but in reality, I felt something was missing/I was bored/I began to look down on it...
• Resentment grew towards the industry or thing I was doing because it wasn't giving me what I needed (but I was keeping myself there, so for some reason my internal reaction was to resent it...?!)
• Because I wasn't clear and on mission to stick at something, I developed unhealthy copy mechanisms. This meant abusing my body with food and booze (these allowed me to both feel a sense of control over something, and yet 'forget' respectively)
• Sometimes I self-sabotaged further by drunk behaviour where I didn't feel inhibited, and sought stimulus in other areas of my life (I then woke up with more anxiety. Jeeeeeeeezz)
• I was irritable and aggravated with people (usually those I could most openly express myself to)

The road to your calling

I may sound like I'm in a settled place, but as I mentioned earlier, where I'm at now is only the 'closest I've got...' I'm feeling a little aggravated and resistant to giving most my time to the thing that isn't 'the thing.' What's surfacing is that I still yearn to help people (my personal driver), and parts of me are being wasted. I'm currently helping to sell products most of the time... I know 'helping people' is such a broad statement, so I've narrowed it down to this: helping people find their 'thing,' and make sense of who they are in order to create a more fulfilling and less unsettled life (god, I hate typing it out, it's so pretentious, but I guess these things are...). I only got here recently, after this quote:
"Use your own story and past, and translate what's happened to you into something that unlocks something for other people." (Deliciously Ella podcast episode, Happiness is a Choice).

So, where I've got to now is figuring out where I can do more of the helping I want to compared to what I currently do. Is it more time set aside on weekends for my podcast/poetry? Setting up my own mentor/start-up thing? Or training in something totally new? OOooOoOo. Stay tuned...

What to do now
My conclusion—nicely summarized in a quote by my favourite poet—is this:

Use your inner thermometer to know what's right for you, what's lighting you up, what is holding you back and making you feel heavy, and what you want more of. Your ability to think is a gift, but not here...it can scramble the process into a sh*t hot mess. If you must use your head, ask yourself these things:

• Is what you're doing/spending most your time on, making you feel like the best version of yourself, or is it a bit like moving through light toffee everyday?
• What do you need in order to feel lighter/to get out of a toffee-wading existence?
• Where can you find that? Is it moving things around a little, putting more time to another area of your life, or walking away from something completely after exhausting all avenues?

HOPE THAT HELPS! Good luck, lovely people.