I went to couples therapy...

Not me blogging days later than planned this week... Anyway, Self forgiven. This is worth the wait because I was in couples therapy on my assigned blogging day. Here's the lowdown...

*ps. I know therapy isn't available for everyone, and I acknowledge that I'm lucky to be able to access it.

How We Did It

Via an app called Modern Health with a female provider who specialises in couples and is authorised to practice in our timezone. (Not sponsored lol.) My partner and I had one hour+ video call session, and we can book our next one when it suits.

I've been meaning to set this up for about a month, because I'm not scared to say we've been having issues (communication and conflict issues, and differences in ideologies we want to examine). It took a few weeks to find a provider who could satisfy the above requirements as both of us have been living/working in different countries. Long distance has been hella tough...

Now, him and I are already quite self-aware. We have been through a fair bit in our lives which has meant we have done growth work as individuals and know who we are. But, a smart person knows work is never done and more so, putting it into practice is the hard part. Enter: external help.

*BOO* Stigma *BOO*

There's a stigma around therapy and I think even more so, couples therapy–it's seen as 'weak', that things must be failing, or that the two individuals involved aren't grown; they're incapable of getting through sh*t by themselves. But to that I say: 

1.  I don't feel weak for asking for help (younger, programmed Alix would disagree). I feel validated and empowered having therapy. I know what I know and what I don't know, and what I don't know is how to navigate the pattern that my partner and I have landed in that has been driving us apart–so much so, we're finding it harder and harder get through regular bumps in the road. 
• An objective person can help break this, and hold us accountable for our behaviours and reactions to one another along the ride. Instead of 'me vs you' we can become an 'us.'
2. I am complex. People are complex. There are so many layers to us that we can't possibly capture in every moment. We don't know ourselves as much as we think we do (i.e. conscious and unconscious systems, childhood experiences, attachment, institutional influence, generational trauma, culture exposer, parental relationships, societal norms, lifestyle, media intake over the years etc. the list goes on). Add this to the mix with another whole ass individual and it can be tough... 
• There is always room to learn more. Learning helps us feel seen, more aware of how/who we are, hold more compassion for ourselves and others, and therefore better navigate relationships. 
3. A dynamic between two people is so unique so I can't always lean on the same learning, awareness and tools here as the ones I did prior or do in other relationships. Yes, a lot may be transferable, but a dynamic brings out various or different sides of ourselves; it's a mirror revealing us to us, and we may need time to accept or work through this for ourselves in every new coupling.
• e.g. "I may be internally calm and easygoing in a dynamic with my friend Grace which helps me show up lovingly, but I am more short-tempered and flustered in the dynamic with my lover Ben, which makes me harsh and argumentative... I didn't even know I could be argumentative, so now I have to acknowledge this in myself and work to dilute that so I don't harm our relationship."

Just like solo therapy, which I dabble in now and then, couples therapy should be accepted as a useful tool and hygiene resource. We brush our teeth and workout regularly to keep us well, so why not value our relationships–a key tenant of happiness–just the same.

Why are WE going to therapy anyway? 

I have a goal for us: better conflict management and healthy communication in tougher times–especially RE: matters between him and I (we're good when it comes to external ones). Second: cultivating more emotional safety which has left the building for a while this year (long story). Lastly, to help my perception of the relationship change from negative to positive, so that I can feel confident about us longterm (relating to the two above).

His goal: to have this refresher on managing our patterns and use therapy as relationship maintenance. To have an expert in the room help us see things in new ways or give us tools to overcome issues. To have knowledge/insight shared about our situation.

The Outcome

I'm not going to give too much away now because I'ma save it for another post hehehe. What I will say, is that:

• I left feeling validated in my own experience (something my partner hasn't been able to do to the level I need)
• I feel it was the right thing to do for us (my partner even agreed after the session!!)
• The therapist was an understanding presence that we could work with again (sometimes you have to keep 'dating' therapists to find one that fits)
• It satisfied my expectations–for an initial session, it brought value (often they can just be intros, background and establishing trust). Plus, the therapist referenced psychology studies and concepts that I had studied in my own time
• I felt confident post-session knowing how we were both showing up and agreeing on behaviours that aren't helping us be a team, as well as what we both had to work on
• Knowing that someone is there acknowledging our current state and behaviours, and will be there next time makes me feel supported in change. Alone, it's easy to resort back to our own habitual behaviours and narratives about each other. No one can hide anymore...

TLDR

Therapy is refreshing and badass–not weak.

Therapy can be for any significant relationship you care about–we tend to see it in a romantic context, but actually it's just a resource for helping you navigate yourself and a dynamic.

Yes, therapy can be inaccessible and is a privilege, but if you can, do. Don't let shame stop you.

Part 2 next week for the learnings.. ;) Big love x