It's been a weird time. Some days I'm flying and other days I don't have any want to do anything–more than that, I don't know what brings me a sense of purpose any longer. I am very curious about this experience...I am no stranger to it. This pattern has been around a little more frequently than I would like as of late, so today I'm going to unpack it, and share some learnings and advice that have surfaced from said periods.
Judging your feelings won't help you, honey
When I notice I am descending, I do find myself judging my descent at the same time. DUMB. My brain is doing two things at once (which I think is the sometimes harsh thing about being human compared to other species):
1) It's feeling the feelings. It's moving through the world. It's reacting to stimuli, both internal and external.
2) It's got consciousness so it's observing the reaction to this experience, in real-time. For me this looks like: "Oooh, I'm in a low mood again. I hate this. I hate that I get in low moods so much. Why am I feeling this low? Other people seem it manage okay. I feel bad. I have a good life, I'm free, I'm adventuring. I don't have too many responsibilities. I should be happier. I should be grateful and stop moaning. I feel aware I'm feeling this low around my partner. He's probably sick of me. He's always positive and stable. I wish I could be that stable and fine..."
Anyone else?
RE point #2: This is so silly. Basically, my self-talk needs improving. There is zero value in critiquing my low/sadness/woe when I am going through it. I know from experience that I need to GO through it to get over it. Pushing myself down simultaneously only adds to the weight and elongates the bounce-back.
Someone said you'd have figured it out by now. But I haven't...
I don't know who this 'someone' is but f'ck 'em. Culturally, this has been echoed around our thirties for a while. It's a bummer really. We come into this decade feeling more confident in the fact that we know ourselves better than we did in our twenties, we have a plan now, and we are going to follow that and live it until we get crusty and pass. WRONG. I find this totally debilitating, tbh. Life is actually a never-ending learning journey. Data goes in (in the form of life experience), reactions occur, we process, action comes out (in the form of decisions). Every damn day. It isn't straight up, and every decade/year/day is a chance for us to make choices that align with who we are and what we want, in that moment (respecting responsibilities and staying kind, of course). And if you're like me, this can change fairly frequently.
I feel disappointed that the myth in this header still hangs over us. Conclusion: be like water. Flow without the shackles of weird, single-minded societal norms.
Consistent foundations free up brain space
As someone who has moved around city to city, country to country and been in temporary living situations this year, I've not had a base for some time. More than that, the year+ prior, I was living between my sister's, parent's, partner's and friend's in the UK (for various reasons). I was an inbetweener. Now, as freeing as this is and as much as this has allowed me to be nomadic, agile during cost of living hikes, reduce outgoings when I was unemployed and job searching for a long time, and allowed me to feel supported in someone else's infrastructure, I have started to feel its itchiness. By this I mean I am craving more stability.
I have noticed that by living month-to-month, my brain is always trying to work out what's next; it's analysing options, locations, prices, restrictions, consequences of going to XYZ. It's problem solving what many folks have on lock, day in, day out. With this brain energy used on the fundamentals, I have less for novelty, innovation, ideas, socialising (this has taken me about 6 months to realise).
- In Canada, I was trying to pour into new and existing connections but I was exhausted, because I was going through a layoff, didn't know where I was living month after month, and had a really tumultuous time in my long-distance relationship. Things changed quickly, often. I felt bad I couldn't show up consistently, socially. I didn't feel like the glowy version of Alix and couldn't build relationships–which I actually really wanted/needed.
- I craved writing poetry and recording my podcast, but these were the first to go when I needed to remove things from my plate and just switch my brain off.
- A used a lot of mental capacity for processing and unpacking changes (perhaps to my detriment, but I'd rather be mindful than ignorant).
- Without a foundation, I can't build much. I can't realise my compounding efforts. I am constantly renewing the base so nothing gets to stack up. I'm talking: curating a home, strengthening friendships in one city, making art or growing a collection, buying clothing to adjust to the changing seasons/climate/my sense of style. All this means I am in a frozen state; my mobile circumstances keep me at the limits of my luggage, my mental capacity, and available resources.
Conclusion: producing, creating, progressing, and being a well of newness diminishes when core life blocks (the lower items on Maslow's hierarchy of needs) aren't met or consistent. After all, we're only human, our energy is finite; we have to choose how we spend it in order to achieve what we want in this life... So, question: what do we want do get done, and how can we optimise where our energy goes?
Resource of the Week
The Great Company Podcast with Jamie Laing and one of my favourite thinkers/speakers, Alain de Botton. ^This got me through it lately. If you want to feel validated in your complex human experience, it'll do the same for you. Living is tricky business, let's accept this.
>> URM, ALSO THIS IS REVOLUTIONARY: LISTEN TO AN AI-PERSONA DISCUSSION OF THIS BLOG POST HERE, thanks to Google's NotebookLM. <<
Until next time x
