I did not realise how much work romantic relationships require. Especially as adults. (This is going to be a JUICY POST, FYI...). There are so many myths, ideals and expectations surrounding relationships in society that I think do more harm than good. So this week, I'm diving into why being in a romantic partnership requires a LOT of energy–for your own benefit, your partner's, and the health and success of the relationship–and why for some duos, it doesn't...
Now, I am no neuroscientist but I have done a lot of work on myself for over a decade (in various forms), and have been in different relationships–long, fleeting, situationships, monogamous and open (ENM). I regularly learn from psychological, neuroscientific, biological, philosophical, ethnographical, and therapeutic sources. Plus, I journal, understand mindfulness as a vehicle to self-awareness, and acknowledge this one big notion: Relationships are mirrors (more on that later).
Being in a romantic relationship is harder than we think
Reason 1: Humans are beautiful complex. We are a tapestry of conscious, subconscious, unconscious mechanisms, histories, traumas, stories, ever-changing wants and needs, and an individual way of creating meaning around things. We also tend to bring our baggage from former relationships into new ones and think the same thing is 'happening all over again.' Put another person in the mix and WOW, that's a whole lot of stuff to come together–even more so, to do it harmoniously. If we can accept this reality when we consider relationships, and try not to expect perfection and ease as the norm, we may cut ourselves and our relationships some slack.
Reason 2: More than that, romantic relationships tend to come with bigger expectations–often created culturally and especially in the West. For example, we want our partner(s) to be our best friend, cheer leader, lover, supporter, kink masters, intellectual match, provider, unconditional source of love...the list goes on. That's a high bar to cast on someone every day. If we can view our partner(s) as human, fallible and wavering day to day just like us, we'll cut some slack even more. If we can drop some of the roles in that list for our partner(s) in every given moment–because we can't expect to be all of them for someone else–we'll ease our disappointments.
Reason 3: When we're more established adults versus younger people, we know what we want, value, and are more confident in our boundaries. We're more fixed (on the whole) the older we get. We've also been through the ringer more which colours our view on life and relationships. This makes it extra difficult to align as harmoniously with another person(s). When we're in our teens or early twenties, we're exploring what life has to offer, we're flexible and open-minded. We may be more likely to prioritise love (well, this was what I experienced/saw) over other things. This becomes less common with age as we get more practical/realistic/logical/aware of the various items we need to make us happy. So, respect where you're both at in life, and bear this whole notion in mind.
Relationships are mirrors
We can do a lot of self-work solo. We can observe how we react to things, what makes us happy and sad, and really get close to what's underneath the surface in our own time...to an extent. From personal experience, the real work–the tough work–the work that's most needed for us to grow, happens in relationship (of any kind–familial, romantic, friendship. Just with another person). Relationships show us things that don't always come up by ourselves. This is because we only know what we know; if we're spending all the time in the world with ourselves, living how we want to live, likely doing things that we're used to, this can narrow what comes into our awareness. In relationships, dynamics bring up fresh situations, plus the other person's POV and perceptions get involved. This can surface things inside us we may have never seen, that we didn't about ourselves, or that lie dormant in us until, well, that moment.
We have a choice though. We can decide what to do with things that arise. Firstly, acknowledge that it might be uncomfy. Give yourself a hug. Then ask yourself:
- Why am I responding like this? Why I do I feel this way about X?
- Is this a deep trigger? What is it connected to from my past that affects me so much?
- Is there a pattern here, have I seen this in myself in another dynamic?
- How is the other person affected?
- Do you even want to see and accept this thing about yourself?
- Do you want to work on it or are you happy with what exists/how you are?
- Is it actually their stuff that's projecting in this moment?
- If it's yours to own and you want to grow this way, how are you going to do it? Is it a simple adjustment or might it a while to reprogram? If the latter, do you both have the capacity?
Common misconceptions
'Love yourself before you can love someone else.' – There's no perfect time to get into a relationship (well, perhaps if you truly have zero capacity for someone else, only have enough bandwidth to survive yourself, or genuinely don't want to). More than this, it's hard to 'love ourselves' fully, some of us never get there. But relationships can be sources of healing. They can show us how to love ourselves via someone else showing us love. Beautiful, right? Like I said, you can't always know what you don't know until something reveals it. Also, the times when we feel most unlovable can be the perfect moments to seek or accept support, and doing so can create a meaningful bond. I'm not saying it's easy and you just get to be an extra weight on someone else (they'll have wants and needs, too), but they may have capacity for you and see what you bring/who you are as gorgeous! :)
'Find your person and it'll be easy.' –
- Firstly, this sentiment reduces our match pool SO much it hurts for me to think about. To imagine that there's only one person for us on this oversubscribed planet doesn't make sense. The probability is too slight, we come into contact with soooo many people in our lifetime. But let's entertain this thought...if there's was a 'one' or a 'soulmate' as some call it, does this soulmate always have their sh*t together? Can they meet you where you are? Can they give you everything you need from the moment you meet? (This often needs to develop over time.) Do they complement your character in every circumstance? It feels too good to be true. I know I waver in myself during my days and have definitely evolved over time–how I thought at 18 is different to how I think–and therefore what I do–now at 33... Does your soulmate evolve at the same rate? If so, what is that rate–n=22x? You get my point. The chance of meeting this person seems near impossible, too...
- Secondly, what does 'easy' mean? Everything in this world requires effort; brushing your teeth, going to work, even trying to go to sleep. It's only easy if you find it easy, and this happens when we're naturally talented at or versed in something. Continuing the hypothesising, will your soulmate find being around you and what you're doing most of the time, easy? Will they already know how to or be equipped to go through whatever unfolds in life? Again leaning into probability, something might happen to one of you and it could cause a really big rub, or completely shatter your partnership. *cough* a death, becoming parents, job loss etc. *cough*
'Love is enough.'– There are two ways to look at this: one speaks to love 'the feeling' that occurs as a reaction between people. One speaks to love 'the concept'. I'm going to discuss the latter. Love is wonderful, it feels warm, it keeps us connected as a species. But we are self-actualising creatures who seek stimulation, purpose, have myriad interests and responsibilities, and experience things that change our perspectives throughout lives. Love can be enough if it is a philosophy or approach to life: love everything you do, every person, spread love wherever you go, act with love etc. BUT, romantic love being enough as the sole thing in our lives? In a world where we are exposed to all things that are and that could be...hmm.
'Love hurts.' – Does it? Or are you victimising yourself, choosing utterly wrong/toxic/habitual matches, projecting your meaning on the person just doing their thing, or avoiding pain?
'Relationships hold me back or seem like beastly business.' – Do they, or are you avoiding intimacy, being seen, the growth it requires, or you're lazy but deep down want one? (Ps. fair enough if you don't have any bandwidth for someone else and just need to do you for good reason.)
'They make it look easy.' – Do they? Or do you not see what goes on behind closed doors? I agree, some duos just get on well. It flows, because their wiring, outlooks or personalities mesh well together. But I'll bet money on the fact that it's not like that all the time. What's that saying?: 'We compare the external lives of others to our internal experiences, and that just makes no sense.' Every relationship has its moments–some just get through things quicker or have had a lot of practice ;). Don't compare your journey to theirs. You're different people.
'It wasn't like my last relationship' – Absolutely. You were a different person, at a different time, with different wants/needs/values. And so was your former partner. You've also grown, with and without realising it. It's impossible to compare. Maybe what we can ask is, do we want the feeling that came with that former bond? Why? Can it grow here and how? If not, why not? The golden nugget of what you really want/need in a relationship could be sitting right there...
Some relationships feel easier than others
I haven't landed on a conclusion to this yet but I'll share my WIP musings. As mentioned earlier, some relationships feel easier than others depending on how the individuals fit together. I think it's deeper than enjoying the same hobbies and liking the same cake flavour. The 'making' in my 'made not found' comment might be simpler if the people involved share key similarities. To this I'm contemplating:
- Could it be that people have a similar way of approaching life? i.e."We'd both paint the back of the fence" or "We both lead with our feelings."
- Do they have similar traumas that they can relate to and empathise with?
- Do they have a similar level of self-awareness and growth ability? aka one person doesn't have to take on more of the work or feel more frequently disappointed.
- Do they respond to things in a similar way? Or at least, not in a contradictory way to the other person? i.e. One person celebrates a type of life win. The other doesn't. Person 1 feels unacknowledged.
- Or maybe a certain individual doesn't trigger you? Maybe who they are doesn't surface past stuff and so you rarely experience friction.
I'm 33 and in a (nearly two-year) relationship that requires us to be very attuned to each other and ourselves i.e. not operate from our past traumas, be aware of our triggers, and not get stuck in our dynamic's patterns. We've had rough patches that have resulted in feeling depleted, detached and negative. And as two very independent and self-sufficient souls, we could easily walk away. But we don't. Because we align on a lot of things, share similar values, and enjoy similar activities and our shared open-mindedness. We trust that our ingredients bake a good cake!
It's one–that out of the few relationships I've had my life–requires more work. I'm also aware that this could be due to the life stage we're at: more established, boundaried, responsible adults with larger stressors, and looking ahead at bigger life decisions.
Conclusion
- Relationships require self-awareness. Some require a really high level.
- No relationship is easy all the time. Some dynamics flow better than others without too much effort.
- Remember, you're not the only one with wants and needs. You need to water the grass, too.
- Work towards a common goal–a better 'us'–instead of 'you vs. me.'
- Own your shit when situations come up and don't put it on your partner to change, BUT be sure they can and are willing to own theirs.
- Communicate a lot. Listen.
Resource of the week
Ryan Libbey and Louise Thompson (former MIC girly) have launched their podcast, He Said, She Said! The premise is a candid conversation about what has happened between them during the week and how they can come closer together as a result. It's beautifully unfiltered, gentle, loving, and kinda inspiring that they can share and hold space for one another whilst being accountable. Let's do that more.
Until next week x
