Learning 1...ACCEPTANCE.
It's not a huge 'Tah-dah' moment, but it carries a lot of weight. Acceptance has taken its sweet-ass time to come around...to absorb itself into my outlook of myself and the world. I used to always want to change myself, my circumstances, how other people would do things and react, but simply put, THAT is BS (mostly), and what isn't, is the fact that some things are as they are. And that's okay. And I don't have to take the world on my shoulders everyday to change things. It was a heavy mission to accept, and after a good portion of my late teens to my mid twenties, I've put that mission down (ish). I accept that I will never be a UK clothing size 6, have a non-circular face, have hair as long as Pochahontas (although I'm still trying at this one), be able to do 384934 things in a day, everyday until I die and feel no consequences because of it, love my family members 24/7, do a 2-hour circuit class and love that, get on with everyone I ever meet, feel consistently happy after a lightbulb moment or the hardest one, 'make it' one day. Maybe I already have? To summarize, I accept what I like, what I can do, what will never work for me, that distances in some of my relationships are fine and don't always need to be 'fixed,' that I can feel proud of myself now, and not only after I've ticked off the next 'big' achievement.I hope you can feel that too. Ahh, the warm cloak of acceptance.
Learning 2: CONNECTION IS SACRED.
Wow did this take me too long to realize... Only had to move countries twice and have someone I love dearly pass, to fully grasp this. From my experience, the people in your life who you can be wholeheartedly yourself around, who you can just sit with in silence, who you can meet up with to do nothing (or b*tch to if you need to—that's okay too), who you can share the darkest parts of yourself with without the fear of being judged, who accept your weird T-shirts that have an extremely acquired taste, who remember what you care about in the most random times, are RARE. That level of connection is rare. But little do we sit to reflect on how long it took to get there with that person, and how difficult it is to just pick it up with someone new.Moving to Canada in April of 2019 really highlighted the latter. It wasn't as easy or as quick as I had expected... I've never had a problem with self-induced change, meeting new people and putting myself out there before, but beyond this side of things, I've noticed that depth is the missing piece that I now crave. And the older I get, the less energy I have to go out there and 'make it happen' with 2392 new people. I had expansive circles in my younger twenties and never felt this need, but I love that I've reached this understanding now. I relish my time, and the people that exist, or have existed in my life more than ever, and in 2020, I look to nurture those connections with more attention and gratitude.
Learning 3: BEING HONEST IS HELPFUL/SELFISH.
Now, I'm not professing that full honesty in every situation is helpful, but being more truthful and transparent about how I'm feeling and how things make me feel with the people in my life, has helped me grow HUGELY. Standing closer to my truth internally, and sharing it outwardly in work situations (from how a project had played out and what I really needed from others to make it better, to what I don't want to experience and my limits so people know where I stand), and in personal relationships; sharing how someone's actions have affected me, as opposed to locking it away to erupt years later, alongside saying 'no' to plans due to a bad emotional space, has been empowering. I feel grateful that I've finally got here, as for so long I was scared of other people's reactions, and letting them down. Now I say "come what may." I'm ready to find a solution or, as I just said, accept what is. Nothing is ever as bad as you expect, and people generally aren't out to get you. The biggest thing I've learnt from being more honest, is that I've bolstered my self love and worth. I'm standing up for ME.
Learning 4: "STRESS IS CAUSED BY BEING 'HERE' BUT WANTING TO BE 'THERE.' "
This is a quote from Spiritual Teacher, Eckart Tolle. And if you haven't heard of him, get to. He'll teach you a lot about your inner world in relation to the outer one...and the outer outer one. This quote lands my last learning of 2019 nicely, as it has unfortunately (and I guess, fortunately) delivered me to this moment, now. Unfortunately, because I've always longed for the 'next-best-thing' or look for what's next. I found it hard to enjoy the fruits of what I had...until this year. My pace was focused forward and my speed was 100, which led to emotional burnout ( never contentment). This sits parallel with my first learning—acceptance. I've come to appreciate that constant striving towards the future outcome, and trying to change my situation to better it (or tap out of a sh*tty one), will never serve me. It's a headspace that will always keep me hungry—the fortunate part—but never satiated. And now at 28, I want to feel satisfied after a meal, not constantly peeking over at the dessert menu. D'ya know what I mean? The former headspace brought me a LOT of anxiousness, stress and drained a lot of my energy. I don't want these things to happen anymore, and slowly, by coming to appreciate the present, slow down a bit, and take in what I DO have, my anxiousness has dissipated, my stress has dissolved, and my energy has been conserved for all the great things (like trees, lakes, fresh air, a monthly subsidized workout allowance, peanut butter, good skin, coffee, poetry, happy hour, binge watching shows, my legs), and people I get to experience. Ahhh.Side note: I've also gotten a lot better at being in uncomfortable situations too as opposed trying to avoid them. This means more knowledge—and you know I love gaining knowledge.
Happy 2020, all. Here's to less screen time, and more time with yourself!! For the sweet spot between the two, check out my bitesize knowledge bombs/ Guru Moment videos on @a_blanx.
