(My workaway home for the first half of my stay - Seatons village, Antigua.)
1. People: I didn't actually give up on them, 'cos to be honest, they're pretty rad most the time. They help us discover ourselves and give us more of a reason for being. But I did give up giving time and energy to them that could be spent elsewhere... such as on me. Before, I slipped into the default of people-pleasing, keeping busy and being reaaLLLL bad at avoiding social invitations (FOMO). Therefore, time invested in self was sacrificed. In order to build this resistance muscle, I had to isolate myself and do it where I knew how... on an island. Last month, I spent countless hours writing poetry, filming my updates, journaling, listening to informative, motivational podcasts, working out everyday, walking, swimming, practicing gratitude, gardening, and deciding what I wanted for the future. When I'm alone I like it - I like who I am, what I do, and my visions for the future. I find this a lot harder when surrounded by more media and peers achieving things that entice my ego. My ego is NOT the me I want to please anymore. Now, it's about shedding my former identity and expectations, and following the deeper yearns inside. This period allowed me to separate my own voices from society's.
(Lukey, my 12-year-old friend from Jamaica who'd recently relocated to Antigua due to endless murder in his hometown.)
Result: heightened creativity, greater sense of self, more content and art made for my own benefits, clarity of thought, more positive self-thoughts on the whole, a chunkier tool-kit on accessing and giving myself love, and a reduction in angst from not spreading myself too thin anymore.
(My Canadian friend, Tyson, whom I met in the second half of my stay in our Paradise view, Air BnB. We hiked to the top of the mountain starting at Wallings Dam.)
2. Alcohol: A too-often relied upon stimulant or perhaps London-centric habit, which lightened pockets and deepened anxieties. Drinking was very much social affair for me - I never drank alone but when I did drink, I WENT IN (Alix doesn't do half measures). With an all-or-nothing character, I always felt the bad effects after a sesh, but on the other side of the coin, I missed the sensation of alcohol after not having it for a while*. It made me feel free and sparky! The former created fertile land for negative thinking, destructive habits and clouds in my vision, to grow. All this made me make less caring choices for myself long-term.Exploring my inner world without an alcohol-warped perception is super important to me. I can more easily access innate senses and what my body is telling me. Other than soul and mental health, it also improved my fitness. In my former lifestyle, I couldn't see how alcohol was effecting my performance. When I ran around the Caribbean village for the first time after a sustained period off booze, I noticed my HUGE drive and increased endurance. It shocked me, and made me UBER proud! My breathing wasn't tight or as restricted as it was in the city, and my legs were strong and determined to continue. Alas, I powered through a longer run, also facilitated by mental clarity and purer thoughts (the dope landscape probably helped a lot too...).
(My workaway host's other home, up by the mountains near Falmouth. I stayed with her for a night, waking up to this spectacular view)
(Moments from around the island - still in the Falmouth hills)
Result: Pride in my body, acknowledging my body as a machine over a presentation device, greater stamina, more energy, balanced moods, less self-loathing, believing I can do something I haven't even tried yet, an urge to set more healthy goals, more consistency with cravings and selecting healthier food and drink. Overall, it fed a healthy, positive cycle of habits.
(yours truly, Dickenson Bay)
*CAVEAT: So yeah, not having it for long periods means I overdo it when I drink... Therefore, just over three weeks into my break, I went to a house party with friends I met from the beach... I INDULGED IN RUM PUNCH. Damn, it was so worth it (sorry body)! My hangover was pretty horrific, and I had to return a rental car the next day... BUT, what I learnt was to sit through the hangover, watch how I felt, write it down and acknowledge it was going to pass. This accepting of the temporary situation allowed my mind to calm down, and get excited to re-join the sober wagon. Alcohol lows are ALWAYS worse alone. I'm grateful for the learnings though (running to find a companion so that I didn't have to face myself was a habit I dropped after uni), even if it means eating a whole pack of crackers... Now I know I can make it through!
(The party, Nonsuch bay...thanks to my island friends, Nina & Robbie!)
3. Meat: The lesser of three detriments on my health and state of mind, but important nonetheless. I was a flexitarian (excuse the 'Millennial' word *rolls eyes*) for several years , never addressed myself as a big meat eater, and rarely bought it. I had it when my body asked, and generally eat in that fashion - intuitively. I try to avoid rules or restrictions (this stems from a history of a bad relationship with food and destructive habits). However, my reason to give up meat started from an individual standpoint over a climatic one. Eating meat can make me feel dense and slow, and psychologically icky - I've consumed part of an animal, it was living and pulsing...then emotions trigger - guilt, disgust - and then nausea. Therefore I decided to cut it altogether! On the wider scale, not eating meat calmed my conscience and opened my heart to nature's ecosystem. This was a surprise to me! I grew empathy and started to acknowledge animals as living, entitled creatures like humans, and less as part of the food-chain.
(Adopted two strays for a few hours along Fort James' Beach.)
(Views from the top! The 3-hour hike)
Result: Cutting meat may have also contributed to my stamina / better energy levels. I feel lighter in my step. My body has become resourceful (I needed less to keep going through hot Caribbean days). I feel psychologically more positive and less disgusted with myself. Meal prep is easier and I continue to be creative with curation. Veggies FTW!
(St Johns, near Redcliffe Quay.)
Overall, the motto underpinning all of my decisions from now on is: 'do what feels good, over what looks good (to myself and others).' This guides me towards following my heart and gut more over my busy, indecisive, over-analysing head. I hope you take something positive away from this and not preachy - it's purely personal :) X
