Months it has been since I have graced this little island (the UK) with my presence. Even longer since I have seen my family and many long-term friends. Ahhhh, and here I am. I've been living in Canada and then staying in Europe after a few bumps in the road/a crossroads/an identity crisis, and in the end as I was figuring out what to do next, I had to listen to a feeling that was strong–to go 'home.' So, this brings me to question–what is 'home'?
A lil background
This question has been with me through my twenties as I was in life's data collection stage; forging my career, exploring different jobs, moving cities and countries, falling in and out of love, enjoying being single and free, trying hobbies and spending times in different circles. I did a lot. My twenties were also spent unpacking (emotionally) a lot from my younger years that weighed on me. I reflected on my childhood and the disruption within it between divorce, adultery, moving houses several times, moving between the houses of parents a few more, new adults coming into my life, and moving schools because of moving houses. I had become adept at coping with change, adapting to new spaces/routines, and not getting too attached or accustomed to fixedness (guess that's why I am a great solo traveller ;)). To me, home wasn't in a house–that concept faded after my original unit split, and we left our family home. (That core unit and house was my first understanding of 'home.' Of sanctuary. Of foundation. Of normalcy. Of familiarity. Of 'mine'-ness.) Following that, everything felt transient. I was in other people's spaces, new routines, ideals, and energies where I played less of a role in forming it. Interesting tbh.
So fast forward to today, there isn't a physical space that I call 'home'. Yes, there are some I feel more 'at home' in, but not just one. And that's kinda a cool thing. Here's why 'home' is so dynamic for me...
Home is belonging
This could be the overarching thing that I understand to be 'home.' 'Belonging' makes me feel part of something, that I am not an outsider or an add-on. That I am not a visitor or expected to leave after some time. That I matter, and my contribution, parts of my identity or essence, is welcome and understood. I can find 'belonging' in several things, such as community, friendships, parts of certain cities, events or celebrations, and even workplaces. It's where I can express myself in ways that feel natural.
Home is people
Home is where I feel represented
I walk down the streets and I see people like me or where some parts of ourselves align. I see people like me doing things that I would do. I see people doing things that I wouldn't do AT ALL. But in any or all cases, this makes me feel instant welcome. There's likeness, and I am not an alien. Maybe it's more than that? It feels like I can reinvent myself and try something new at any point, and still not feel excluded or odd.
Home is where you say, "I've got what I need here. I'd like to stay a while."
This one's more intuitive, subjective and physiological (my response to places and spaces). I've only felt this sensation in a few spots around the world–London in the UK, Vancouver in Canada, Cape Town in South Africa, and Lisbon/Porto, Portugal. I guess it's the energy of the place, a combination of the aforementioned concepts, the features and offerings in those destinations that appeal to my nature, and a feeling of possibility or optimism. That looks different to everyone.
In short, I guess it's true; home is where the heart is. And by that I mean, 'home' is where my heart feels at peace. Wherever I feel seen, I'm at home.
Until next time x
